Is the desire to give always enough? Can giving be negative?
We all hear quotes like, “You get back what you give” and “Love is born through giving”. But is this always the case?
Let me start with a story.
My mom isn’t much into living a healthy lifestyle. She doesn’t exercise and horrifies me regularly with what she eats (fast food galore!).
So I thought I would take it upon myself to gift her with all kinds of detox kits, health tonics, and other health related things every Christmas for a few years.
Well, I would go to her house six months later and all the things I had given her would be sitting in her pantry unopened. I would ask her why she hasn’t tried them yet and she would reply with, “Oh…. I will, I will. I haven’t gotten around to it.”
Hmm. Should I really be upset though?
I mean, I never asked her if she wanted those things. I expected her to love those gifts because I would have if they were given to me and I imposed my desire for a healthier lifestyle on her.
On one level it was out of care, but on another, I was not considering her values or preferences.
When a friend or family member is in need, we can feel an overwhelming desire to do what we can to help make it better. And we use the best of our knowledge to help.
I’m lucky. I have met lots of very kind people in my life. People who commit their lives to helping others. People who devote their time and energy to try to make someone else’s life a little bit better.
I believe that there are different types of giving. But three major kinds that I can think of right now are: egoic giving, intuitive giving, and self-transcendent giving.
EGOIC GIVING is when the giving is attached to your image of yourself or used to fill a void. This can mean that we give because we want something in return. For example, love, attention, or even a “thank you”. This giving is to satisfy some egoic part of ourselves rather than for the other two reasons below. This kind of giving may not be very obvious sometimes because people may be giving a substantial amount of their time, efforts, or what may appear to be compassion to others. However, the need for recognition for this type of giving is what distinguishes it from the others.
INTUITIVE GIVING is spontaneous giving that happens when you are fully present in the moment and the desire and opportunity to give coincide. This is an authentic giving when you are happy with yourself and you see a need in others and want to give to share your positive energy. This is usually spontaneous and you don’t need an occasion for it. You just feel a natural, strong inclination to give, without even expecting a thank you.
SELF-TRANSCENDENT GIVING is a natural consequence of following your personal bliss and sharing it with the world. For example, if you create a beautiful quilt purely out of love for quilting, but as a consequence, others receive joy and warmth from it. It’s win win. I would argue that if you live an authentic life, the value you give to the world by just being yourself is immeasurable and eternal. This kind of giving usually results from artistic or creative pursuits, or personal passions that you pursue. I think this is the most beautiful kind of giving.
It feels like there is harmony and energetic balance with this kind of giving.
It’s important to remember that we can never know the results of our actions (even giving) because there are infinite variables involved in creating any event.
However, there are energetic forces that are put into action according to the energy we put out.
If the energy inside of us is holds something negative, we pass that energy to those we come in contact with.
But how much more vulnerable are those who accept our help to those energies we bring?
We need to know that our inner selves are energetically positive to give the best help we can to others.
SO HOW CAN WE MAKE OUR GIFTS MORE POWERFUL?
Give when you want to
Give authentically. Out of love, care, or because you feel like it. If you don’t want to, then don’t. Simple as that. It is only authentic if you actually want to give and feel that desire. Don’t let someone twist your arm into volunteering for something you don’t feel passionate about. Wouldn’t the people you are helping benefit more from someone whose heart and soul are into the job? Ask yourself if you really, really want to do it.
Don’t expect anything back
Not even a thank you. No smile. Nothing. Think of those things as bonus. Sometimes helping others can be another way to fill a void within yourself. When this happens, we can start to expect something back for our giving. We think, “Well I deserve love, attention, respect etc. because look at how much I’ve given!” Sorry to burst your bubble but giving is a choice you made. If you choose it, don’t expect anything in return. Eventually you will develop resentment towards those you give yourself to and create a toxic relationship.
Ask the person/people what they want
Sounds so simple, but in our enthusiasm to give, we often forget. Are we giving something we want or what the other person actually wants? Each life is so different. Sometimes we presume to know what the other person should want or need but it is totally off base. We need to recognize that our priorities are not necessarily the priorities of others. Should we be imposing our desires on them? If someone asks for a burger and you give them a carrot stick, it isn’t really respecting their personal journey in life. We become self-righteous when we begin thinking that our way is superior morally or otherwise. You could suggest the carrot stick, but REALLY HEAR what it is they want. If you don’t want to give them what they want, who is the giving really about?
Don’t attach your self-image to giving
Sometimes we can give because we view ourselves as good people. Good people give their time, energy, money etc. etc. But are our actions what makes us good people? Then what about those times we act selfishly? Because we all act selfishly sometimes. What is good? It is situational. We all contribute to situations positively or negatively at different times depending on our mental, emotional, and physical states, AND how the environment around us responds to us. Sometimes we are awareness of our actions and sometimes we are not. Maybe take a step back and ask yourself if you are depending on your giving to feed an egoic need to be viewed as good by others or, more importantly, yourself.
By doing these things we can put more power and passion into our giving.
We can help with only the best intentions and, as a result, the person receiving our help will only get help of the best quality.